So lately I’ve been hot on the idea of numbers.
They are everywhere, they confine us, define us, restrict us and move us. They are our height, our age, our weight, our blood, our emotions. How do you feel on a scale of 1-10?
The numbers that concern me the most are the ones that I personally have obsessed over in the past. Weight, bust size, and recently blood sugar. I’ve had to reign myself in when it comes to all of these numbers. Oh my GOD how fast they can take over my brain, your brain the brains of women and men everywhere. That’s what we love though, to quantify, to fit ourselves neatly into some file. Because that is simple. If I am a size 2 I will fit the emotional status of a size two, be happy and be whole. I think Drew says it best here.
Drew, you and Natalie are amazing. I can’t thank these two enough for their humor. They got me through some hard days in college and beyond.
Anyway, I was talking about numbers right? Well, the Blood Sugar testing was an eye opener but I’m happy to move away from it now that I know how my body works for the most part under normal food circumstances. Under odd circumstances I’ll still play with this. For instance, last night I couldn’t eat until 10 pm and I wanted to see how it affected my B.S. during the next day. Turns out it regulates very well. Better than I expected.
On the subject of weight numbers I have a piece to say about this. My darling fucking-amazing husband threw out our scale, or hid it, I don’t know and I don’t care. That freaks me out to a certain point but it’s also so amazingly freeing! Do you know what it’s like to have something that is so hard deal with everyday REMOVED COMPLETELY?! It’s like a confession booth every morning that I don’t have to deal with. NO guilt, NO shame, just responsibility for who I am and what I do/eat/enjoy. But like I said, it does scare me a bit. The not knowing. The fears of “am I getting fat?” and then it hits me. Time and time again I come to the ah-ha moment of the fact that BEAUTY FADES AND I’M HEALTHY.
10 years from now I’ll be 10 years older! If I’m still healthy that’s a gift, a gift I still work for.
As long as I can manage to get older, get better, maybe faster, maybe thinner, but wiser, smarter and change a few things for the better. Well then, looks like I’ve got a life worth living there.